Drugged Monkey 16
Bacon Fat Mystery Theater
The tattoo would read: "nursing home pimp". It was the only tattoo I thought I might still like when I was 80. I guess it might seem weird now, but I think my guidance counselor would be glad to see I'm finally starting to plan for the future. My guidance counselor is an 8 year-old girl that claims to be a reincarnated Golden Girl. The fact that even she doesn't know which one has led many to become skeptics. Couple that with the fact that all of the Golden Girls are still alive really makes the story seem much more unlikely. She told me that in my last life I was a plastic peg in a LightBrite set. As a peg I climbed down from the glowing LightBrite board artwork of a clown's face and headed out on the open road looking for fame and fortune. I fell prey to drugs and prostitution within a half-hour of leaving the LightBrite set. About an hour after that I was caught up in a murder for hire plot that left many of the nations top dog grooming associations filing lawsuits. While testifying in court I had to point to the man that hired me to do the killings, but being a peg I couldn't. While alone in the holding cell at night I dreamt of climbing back into that clown's face. As the little girl continued telling me the tale of my previous life I couldn't help but think: "This kid is really messed-up. I need to get out of here before this gets any weirder." It was right about that time the platypus that lived in her closet stepped forward with a flashlight and the screenplay it had been writing. The secret to the platypus' screenplay was that when you opened the manuscript it was actually just a bunch of spaghetti stains. It took a lot of convincing, but by the time I left I was sure those spaghetti stains would make a great movie, so good that I emptied my savings account to help finance the picture. The platypus said my helping them with the film would help atone for my sins as a LightBrite peg in a previous life. I didn't much care about that. I just wanted to be there when they shot the spaghetti love scene. The platypus promised to wear sexy motor oil-soaked plastic wrap while riding a giant pink Clydesdale trampling obese mermaids. I wasn't really into kinky stuff like back massages or French kissing, but this sounded right up my alley.