DRUGGED MONKEY: The clothing line
The drugged monkey lives and has a clothing line
We hadn’t seen the monkey for a while so we decided to check in and sweet Jesus are we glad we did. The monkey now has a clothing line and a truly disturbing website (reaktorcorps.com) filled with bizarre descriptions and images. Below is the interview that took place upon this discovery:
Imaginary Interviewer (melted action figure): It’s been a few months since we heard from you. What have you been up to?
Monkey: Oh, I didn’t see you there. Well, I’ve started filtering vodka through the underpants of dead people.
Imaginary Interviewer (melted action figure): Uh…great… but what about the clothing line.
Monkey: Oh that, we started out with a noble mission and a purpose, to make a lot of money. Somewhere along the way I lost my pants and needed more so we decided to make clothing rather than open a pumpkin canning factory as we had originally planned. Turns out canning pumpkins naked isn’t very safe or sanitary.
We build cool clothing and then sell it. I hope you like it and buy it. Then I hope while you’re wearing our cool things someone comes up to you and says: “That’s a mighty fine T-shirt, maybe we should go have some crazy sex.” Or maybe they might offer you some free pizza or maybe you’ll just exude the vibe of a person wearing a T-shirt that is extra-special and made with love. And by “love” I mean tiny fingers of underpaid children in Asia. Just kidding, our shirts are made by a rare breed of mythical butterflies that can only attain an orgasm through T-shirt manufacturing, so technically we’re doing those horny butterflies a favor.
Imaginary Interviewer (melted action figure):: Interesting, but what makes your clothing so different?
Monkey: Reaktorcorps apparel is different than any clothing you’ve ever worn before, because frankly we didn’t make any of your other clothing. We just started doing this last Thursday. “Since last Thursday” is our tagline. In reality our shirts stand out due to hand placed graphics that are never found front and center. We also go crazy with the screens. Most other Ts you see will have 1 screen in the middle of the shirts, due to the colors and multiple prints some of our shirts have as many as 9 screens (which is the same number of times I got a boner in church this week).
Imaginary Interviewer (melted action figure): What are these photos you’ve sent us?
Monkey: One is an image of me fighting an ice-skating transvestite in a barn. He had the high ground, but I had the pointy stick. The whole fight started, because we were both wearing the same super awesome Reaktorcorps shirt, but then we realized we both looked sexy as hell and decided to go put on a hand puppet show in the middle of the freeway.
The next image is a photo of me launching a cliff. I’m not lying when I say that before I started wearing Reaktorcorps I had 80% more tinfoil in my feces. I might be lying when I say that the only reason I was able to jump this cliff was due to a super rad T-shirt talking shit to me under my coat. We basically threw this in because the guys behind the company are skiers and thought maybe we might score some cred points and we sponsor skiers who are weird…weird may even be a higher priority than actually being good.
Imaginary Interviewer (melted action figure): Is there anything else you’d like to say since you haven’t been around in awhile?
Monkey: I was supposed to meet Shannon Elizabeth (for real) and I was so drunk I yelled “gonorrhea” in her face. Why I don’t know. To get the full story head to reaktorcorps.com.